judge writing for my fic

[delta4456]

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Be-



A voice yawned after a click, although no one would be able to see where said voice came from with how dark it was in the room. Red light radiated from the alarm clock, showing the time as 5:00 AM, and so the boy had to get out of his bed, school was soon. With motivational difficulty, he leaned over to his lamp and turned it on, revealing the owner of the tired voice.



The lamp didn’t give off too much light, but it was enough to reveal his face and figure. Hanging at the side of the shaggy bed was a teenager with blue eyes, brown hair and a lanky body. He blinked away the blur in his eyesight quickly, still quite dozy.



“Ugh…” He groaned and stood up, he was pretty tall, not seemingly very strong, and had a weird scar underneath his chin, which stretched over to his chest. Then, he got up and moved away from the dim light, now barely visible in this dreary room.



One could hear him lazily moving towards his wardrobe and throwing on some clothes, seemingly too quickly, showing he didn’t quite care about his appearance.



He checked his items in his left pocket and found what he was looking for, a Pokeball. He pulled it out and aimed it at the bed before clicking the middle button and… Wait, why isn’t it working. Oh… did she do that again? To confirm his suspicions, he went to the biggest lump in the blanket. Pulling the top away revealed a brown, fluffy Pokemon, with a big scruff.



“Elle, wake up.” The teenage boy whispered, shaking her body around until she yawned, waking up.



“Hm…?” The female Eevee mumbled, rubbing her eyes to get a clearer view of the world. When she noticed it was just Andy, she giggled a bit. This only served to annoy Andy.



Now, you may be wondering how he could understand his Eevee companion. Well, Pokemon and trainers can communicate with each other over time. Slowly, the trainer gets more in sync with their Pokemon, learning what everything about a Pokemon’s gesture, pose, or speech means. It takes years and a good bond, but it wasn’t uncommon.



“Elle, you know I put you in the Pokeball to keep you safe, right?” He tilted his head.



“Yeah but… I wanna sleep in the same bed as you, it’s way more comfortable than that simulated garbage!” She whined. With a sigh, Andy nodded, understanding her feelings.



“Fine, but I’m gonna do this every night.” Hoping she would get tired of the same shtick each night was a mistake, but he pretended it didn’t make him happier.



“Whatevs… It’s so dark out and I don’t have the energy to argue back about it,” She yawned before tapping the Pokeball button, allowing the red light to encapsulate her once more.



With a sigh, Andy pocketed his partner's ball and picked up his phone from its charging port, and conclude that that’s all he needed for the day. He didn’t use a bag since he had a school locker, and rarely did his homework.

[Bones]

Hey Delta! This was a cute read! I like where this is going!

Unfortunately, here in Godai, Pokemon don't talk, but regardless, in terms of your writing, I think you paint a wonderful animated picture. Everything is to the point and has upbeat pacing where each action and event serves to bring the story forward. You definitely know how to bring out the personality of the character especially the chemistry between Eevee and Andy; how cute!

However, perhaps consider doing more "show and don't tell". While there are nuggets of wonderful potential, there is still a lot of usage of adjectives to describe the subject instead of further painting that image through the usage of words. For example, in this little scene, "When she noticed it was just Andy, she giggled a bit. This only served to annoy Andy." How exactly did this annoy Andy? Don't just tell the audience that he's annoyed. Describe his mental thoughts, how it controted his facial expression, etc! Was the giggle too high pitched for morning? For example, if I were to add more "oomph" (and pretend that little snippet was mine), I would probably quickly write, "When she noticed it was simply Andy, she giggled, her hum high pitched, but consistent. This only served to annoy Andy as the ringing in his ears from the alarm earlier hadn't yet ceased. Not only that, but it was morning, where everyone was still supposed to be sleeping - him included! Besides, what was with the giggle anyways? Was she making fun of his inability wake up? Whatever, he thought, he'd get back at her with a prank later." Naturally yours will be much better than my example since, well, you know these characters best!

That's about all for now! I'd love to give you more suggestions if you'd like to hear more. Come meet us all personally in the Discord below and don't forget to tell us who you are via forums! ♥