Raymond "Ray" Taylor Wion

[Tahu]

✦ Age ✦ 17 years	✦ Birthday ✦ April 30th 184	✦ Hometown ✦ Wisteur Town (Eastern)	✦ Trainer Class ✦ Runaway	✦ Dialogue color ✦ =9c1300
✦ Height ✦ 181 cm	✦ Weight& ✦ 79,8 kg	✦ Western Zodiac ✦ Cirristeir the Bouffalant	✦ Eastern Zodiac ✦ Year of the Jynx	✦ Gender& ✦ Male

SPOILER: Click to show

{Personality & History}

Personality: Ray is a happy but emotionally sensitive kid with an empathic nature. He likes to please and take care of those around him which undermines his own needs and stagnates his own emotional development. Ambitious by heart, Ray strives to become a strong trainer, and go on his very own adventure and show his creative way of battling, styles he fell in love with after hours upon hours on end, watching tv and strategizing moves ahead. Around this time, he learned about his dislike of flying Bug types and spiders and especially Ghost type Pokémon, which he finds scary and highly unpredictable. This enthusiasm and love for Pokémon didn’t please his father who banned Ray from interaction with Pokémon, more than what was necessary. Per his parents wish Ray moved from his hometown to Wisteur Town leaving his (very fragile) support system, hurting the young boy greatly. Conflicted with his wish to please his parents and his love for Pokémon made him frustrated and he withdrew into himself, becoming very secretive and secluded towards, not just his father, but people in general. This frustration towards his fathers different outlook escalated in a verbal outburst and Ray becomes even more sheltered, not trying to form any relationships with any in town. Alone at night, caught in a battle with himself Ray wonders, if his dream really is worth it, or he should give up?

History: Named after his grandfather, Ray was born in the big city of Sangproctor, in the western Godai, by Greg Taylor and Jeannette Wion. When Ray was little he was raised mostly by his mother, Jeannette. His father, Greg, worked long hours transporting ore from Weswell. Thankfully, her job in architecture could be done mostly from home, which worked well for the couple. Jeannette preferred to work from the home where she could be with Ray as much as possible since she missed her own family back in Beliae. This established a stronger bond for Ray to his mother than to his father. Because of Jeannette’s continual love of adventure, they would often take trips in the weekends and holidays. There they went to see various parts of Godai and even a few trips to Beliae. There Ray met his mother’s family, which was new to him since he had met none of his father’s relatives. Later in life, Jeannette told her son that both of Greg's parents were dead, and that he didn't like to talk about it. Ray did pretty well in school… He wasn’t in the top of the class, but he wasn’t the worst either. Because of the many trips in the weekends, Ray rarely had the time for close friends in school. He did, however, get one close friend, Marcus, that he spends a lot of his spare time with when he wasn’t away on some trip. They both liked pokémon and used hours talking about what pokémon they’d pick for starters and travel with when they would take their trainer travel together. Marcus stated that he would take a Snivy, while Ray would pick a Chimchar after having seen a trainer on PBN (Pokémon Battle Network) use an Infernape in battle. Ray would often take notes during these battles. He would notice types efficiency towards other types, certain techniques and particular strong Pokémon or trainers. Jeannette enjoyed listening to the boys’ enthusiastic plans and even though neither she nor Greg were trainers, she liked the thought of life on the open road. Greg who didn’t understand the boys’ enthusiasm, saw pokémon as tools for work, rather than weapons of war. Through his work, he had also seen the power of pokémon and what they could do, if things went wrong. He would also like to know where and how his son was, and that would be difficult if Ray wandered around the region. Ray passed Elementary School and moved on to Secondary School, and without Greg’s knowing he also got his Trainers License, when he was 14. Furthermore Greg and Jeannette had been offered a house in Wisteur Town, in the Eastern part of the Godai, so that summer they moved. The move didn’t agree with Ray. Because of his only one close friend, who now lived in the other end of the region, he felt like they had taken away his entire social circle (point) from him. Jeannette, who had always been close to her friends, and missed them after moving from Beliae, understood her son’s feelings. Ray had always been closer to his mother than his father. Greg didn’t understand why Ray acted out and why he couldn’t see what an opportunity it was for them. This led to several arguments between Ray and his father, both before and after their move, but being underage Ray didn’t really have much to say in the matter. At the new school, Ray didn’t settle in. He kept his average grades but he, as the moody teenager he was, never attempted to connect with any of the new kids. It was a mix of the stubbornness from his spite of the move and contact issues from his past with other kids. And like the snake biting its own tail, he never got out of this circle of social confinement, because he never tried to do so. he wasn’t quite sure how to approach these new kids and even if he did; he was too frustrated to make an attempt. Instead, he’d keep in touch with Marcus, over the phone or through the computer. They’d still talk about pokémon and travel, even though their plans kept being somewhere in the unknown future. Since Greg still wouldn’t allow Ray to go, or get a pokémon of his own. A few months after their move, Marcus told Ray that he had signed up to the TIS, and would leave for his travel the following week. He had picked out a little Snivy, from the local lab and couldn’t postpone his travel any longer. This led to another argument between Ray, and his father. Ray again stated that he wanted to go out to be a trainer whereas Greg stood by his decision regarding his son’s talk about the trainer thing. There was no future, no money in it, and it was too dangerous! In the heat of the argument, Ray told his father he already had a Trainers License, which Jeannette had held since he got it. So if he wanted, he could just leave! Furious over the fact that his fiancé had gone behind his back, a few minutes of yelling later, he got the card from Jeannette. He then told his son he would burn the card when he got the opportunity. This argument made the divide between father and son even deeper, and it took weeks before any of them would actually talk to each other. To get away from his father, Ray started taking long walks to clear his head. He would walk around town or even go beyond the town’s borders, along the fields listening to the wind waving in the crops. Sometimes he’d walk all the way to the river near Lumina Bridge, where he sometimes would stick his feet in the water and just relax. On one of these trips he noticed a Mareep, looking into a Pamtre plantation through a fence. Quickly he looked around and with an impulsive spark, he jumped the fence. He ran to the nearest tree, got a berry and ran out again before the farmer’s Manectric caught up with him. He then ran before he sat down and gave the hungry Mareep the berry. While the Mareep ate, Ray told it about himself and what filled his head with. His father. Their constant conflict. His own dream of becoming a trainer. His best friend, who had gone on his own travel, despite their promise of doing it together. He wasn’t sure why he told this Mareep all this. It probably couldn’t understand him anyway, but it was nice to talk to someone about it... just to get it out. The following months they’d have multiple encounters like this. Not all of them included berry-theft, but some of them did. At one point they even made a small secret base, for them to hide and meet in. Over time Ray named the Mareep "Orion", which sounded like a strong name, and from what he had seen on PBN, an Ampharos was quite a strong Pokémon. Sometimes Orion followed Ray into town, but Ray wouldn’t share this part of his life with his parents, therefore he wouldn’t let Orion get near the house. After a year of this awkward tension between father and son, Greg began taking Ray with him to work, in an attempt for them to rebond. Jeanette was pleased to see Greg trying to connect to his son, but she sensed resistance in Ray. Ray didn't really get why he had to go with his father to Weswell, but he enjoyed watching the big and bulky Pokémon at work. One day, a few weeks after his 17th birthday, Greg invited Ray to yet another working day with his father. Jeannette was coming along too because of a meeting in Sangproctor. Ray however, said he would watch the final of a tournament in Lunctangui on PBN, so he'd rather stay home that day. Another argument between Ray and Greg broke loose, resulting in Greg slamming the door before he drove away with Jeannette. As he sat there, watching tv and waiting for the final to begin, he zapped through the channels, while sulking over the argument with his father. While he zapped, he stumbled upon a movie he’d seen before; The Bellringer from Votre Femme. He came in on the scene where a character talked about rather begging forgiveness than asking permission. Though he’d seen this scene multiple times before, he’d never really thought deeper about the meaning of the phrase. If his father wouldn’t give him permission, maybe it was time to do what he should have done a long time ago! Then he could ask forgiveness later. He turned off the tv. Forgot all about the movie and the final, and then he started packing!

SPOILER: Click to show

{Appearance}

Hair: Ray’s hair is naturally blond, from his father’s side. His hair is set up in a soft mohawk, this keeps his ears free from hair, while still having hair to mess around with, which he kind of enjoys. And even though he likes his blond hair, He thinks of dying it... perhaps red? Eyes: Ray's eyes have a nice hazel colored iris, with a smooth streamy pattern, with the pupil at its core. This is a testament to his sensitive, secretive and empathic nature.

Clothing and accessories: Because of his sudden escape, he hasn’t packed more than the absolute essential. A few sets of clothing, which he could get washed in the cities. At the point of his leaving, he’s wearing a bordeaux winterjacket, with white lining, underneath he has a simple dark blue t-shirt. For bottoms, he's wearing two pairs of black sweatpants. His shoes are tight, black and airy, without laces, which makes them easy to get in and out off. His backpack is a black single strap backpack, previously containing school supplies. The bag has several small pockets, for easy access to smaller things, like balls. He plans on buying goggles with dark glasses, to protect his eyes from Orion’s bright light.

General appearance: Ray is slim, without being undernourished. Most of the time, Ray doesn’t draw much attention to himself. In the cities he keeps his head down, to avoid getting recognized. But when he is alone, either in his room or on the road, he talks to himself quite a lot. He feels it’s easier to keep track of his thoughts, when they can get out… as long as nobody else hears them.

SPOILER: Click to show

{Inventory}

Dians: 2,126

Items	Misc. Items	Key Items
4x Pokéball Stardust	1x Train Ticket (Anywhere) ⇗ Continuous .05 Exp Modifier	PokéDex Journal Holocaster Town Map

SPOILER: Click to show

{Trainer Advancement}

AP Category	Tier 0	Tier 1	Tier 2	Tier 3	Tier 4	Tier 5
Seeing the Sights:	15/15	0/15	0/20	0/20	0/25	0/30
Making Friends:	8/15	0/15	0/20	0/20	0/25	0/30
Green Thumb:	0/15	0/15	0/20	0/20	0/25	0/30
To Be The Best:	6/15	0/15	0/20	0/20	0/25	0/30
Silver Tonuge:	6/15	0/15	0/20	0/20	0/25	0/30
Nursing:	3/15	0/15	0/20	0/20	0/25	0/30
Gift Giving:	3/20	0/20	0/25	0/25	0/30	0/35
Parental Instincts:	0/20	0/20	0/25	0/25	0/30	0/35
Genetic Key:	0/20	0/20	0/25	0/25	0/30	0/35
TLC:	0/25	0/25	0/30	0/30	0/35	0/40
Technology Buff:	0/25	0/25	0/30	0/30	0/35	0/40
Oooh Shiny:	0/30	0/30	0/35	0/35	0/40	0/45
Dedication:	5/5	5/10	0/15	0/20	0/25	0/30

Total EXP gained: 8

Level 8 Ball used: Location caught:Wisteur Town Dialogue Color: #f9ff73 Gender: Male Type: Electric Ability: Static Height: 0.6m (2'00") Weight: 7.8 kg (17.2 lbs) Health: Low Level Caught: 5 Item: None	EXP rate: Medium Slow EXP Gauge: (14/15) EXP Gained: 8 Division: D9 Total stats: 80 Attack: 13 Defense: 14 Sp. Attack: 24 (30%) Sp. Defense: 18 Speed: 11 Vitamins used: None Moveset: 1. Tackle 1. Growl 4. Thunder Wave 8. ThunderShock Unique Moves: -	SPOILER: Click to show {Personality} Ever since he got separated from his herd, Orion has been a quiet loner who would prefer to be with others. Because of his Static ability, he has had a hard time, finding someone to be close to. This has made him unsure of himself and whether he would ever find anyone that would like him. This was right until he found Ray, who knew to stroke him on the head and not on the wool, that was full of static electricity. Since then, he was curious and more social with the boy. He is rather slow and has a very poor sense of direction. Also, he's allergic to various spores and when he sneezes, his tail-orb will flash brightly. SPOILER: Click to show {History} Orion is a young Mareep, born in a herd at Cloven Plains in the Cadence area. But after a Migthyena attack, he got separated from the herd and couldn’t find his way back. After about a few months of unsuccessful search, he got to the area around Wisteur. In Wisteur he found a haven of berries in all shapes, colors and sizes, although not all of them was that easy to get to. Many of the berry trees and bushes were behind fences, and other were even guarded by pokémon like Manectric or Houndoom etc. One day, he found a tree with nice and big Pamtre Berries, but he couldn’t get to them because of the fence and the height of the tree. He was so occupied with his own hunger and thoughts he didn’t notice the boy walking along the road until the boy contacted him. At first, Orion thought it might be the owner of the berries, who had come out to chase him away, so he ran a little from the strange boy. The boy looked around and jumped the fence. He ran to the tree, climbed it, grabbed one of the big berries and when they both heard a barking getting closer, he jumped down, got out and ran. Confused and hungry, Orion ran along with the boy, until they were far enough from the farmer and his pokémon. The boy then sat down and waited for Orion to come closer before he gave him the stolen berry. They sat there for about an hour, and while Orion ate the soft and dry, the boy talked. Orion wasn’t too sure what the boy was talking about, but it was nice to have company. The boy even stroke him on the forehead, instead of his static wool, which has kept many others from getting close to him. Before Orion could finish the berry, the boy got up and walked back. Over time, they'd have many encounters like that, not all of them including berry-theft. Orion even came with the boy to his home, but the boy wouldn't let him come too close to the house.
Level 10 Ball used: Location caught: Lumina Bridge Dialogue Color: #f9ff73 Gender: Male Type: Normal/Flying Ability: Keen Eye Height: 0.21m (0'69") Weight: 3.1 kg (1.4 lbs) Health: Low Level Caught: 10 Item: None	EXP rate: Medium Slow EXP Gauge: (18/21) EXP Gained: 0 Division: D9 Total stats: 100 Attack: 30 (30%) Defense: 15 Sp. Attack: 6 Sp. Defense: 19 Speed: 30 (30%) Vitamins used: None Moveset: 1. Growl 1. Tackle 5. Quick Attack 9. Wing Attack Unique Moves: -	SPOILER: Click to show {Personality}This little bundle of energy is one young birdie. He's still young and full of life and as such has an intense need to prove himself. He is easily taunted into competitions to prove his ability, whether that's speed or something else. He'll argue with anyone, be it his trainer, his fellow pokemon or other humans if their behavior somehow annoys him or challenges his ego. He's difficult to intimidate and needs a lot of coaching in how to behave and act. Certainly a project for any trainer. When he's relaxed though this little guy like to take naps in the shade and generally be near other pokemon, preferably with soft furs/feathers. SPOILER: Click to show {History} Jake is indeed a little bird with a big personality. As the smallest in his litter of five, he had to fight for everything from food to affection. No surprice this affected his personality and made him very competitive. As soon as the learned to fly and hunt by himself, he left the nest, ready to take on the world!

[Tahu]

Topic/Event	EXP Gained	Dians	Advancement Points	Miscellaneous
#1 The Runaway	+6 6 > Orion	+552	Seeing the Sights: 10 Making Friends: 3 Silver Tongue: 6 Nursing: 3 Gift Giving: 3 Dedication: 5	Ray decided to run away from home. Jeanette surprised him at the local PokéCenter. She gave him a PokéDex, Holocaster and PokéBalls. Ray officially caught Orion. Ray and Orion headed north towards Serenity Lake.
#2 Tell Everybody I'm On My Way	+2 2 > Orion	+574	Seeing the Sights: 5 Making Friends: 5 To Be The Best: 6 Dedication: 5	Ray found some Stardust. Ray encountered a wild Feebas The encounter was interrupted by a Starly. Ray encountered a wild Starly. Ray caught the wild Starly. Orion learned Thundershock. Ray and Orion moved on to Oraclair City.

[Silent Partner]

Greetings Tahu, terribly sorry for the wait on this! Love the username, btw. But yeah, let's get right down to business!

Starting off with Ray's Personality, while the groundwork you've laid is great, it'd be good to get some more detail. What specifically is it about his past and present that has caused him to become more introverted? How does he express that bit of self-loathing inside him about his demeanor, if at all? What sorts of books and TV does he enjoy? Even seemingly small details like that can quickly add up and flesh out a character even more, and will be very helpful later on when writing Ray as it will give you a stronger frame of reference when considering how he'd react to a situation.

As for the History, again I feel like while you have a decent outline it would be a good idea to dig in and provide some more details about how these events affected him. The strongest part of this section is at the end, when you talk about how his world view was informed by seeing countless other kids get adopted over him, so taking that same approach of thinking about how each event in his history molded him into the person he is now would do a lot to further define him.

In addition, for your Pokemon I would suggest rereading our rules for EXP, as you seem to have the wrong total for Orion. Since he starts at level 5, he should be at the minimum amount of EXP needed to reach that level, rather than 0.

Finally, I would suggest quickly double checking your spelling, grammar, and formatting, as I noticed a few typos and formatting errors in your profile. Nothing too major, but such things can add up over time so its good to fix them.

Overall, you've got a great foundation laid out here! Just a bit more polish, and you should be good to go!

[Tahu]

Well, it's nice to know that I ain't the only one who knows Bionicle ^^

Anyway!
I've put a little more into his personality. It ain't a lot, partly because I'm not really sure how the hell you other guy can write entire novels about a characters personality, but also, I'd like to give Ray some space to grow... just like he needs to get to know himself when he is on his own, I too needs to get to know him.

His history was a little easier to fill out some more, even though it isn't exactly multiple (hardly even one) pages long.
Just like my previous character, I'm just not able to write an intire biography, ready for the puplisher...

As for the Pokémon, I think it should be fixed by now

And yes, I know that there are some typos, spelling errors and grammatic mistakes which I'm working on.
English isn't my native language, and just because I did rather great in my english class, it isn't perfect.
I do what I can, with Google Translate and Word's gramma check, but there is only so much that I can do...
As or the formatting.... I'm just getting to know them xP

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}This is a hobby, a pastime, both for the writer, but also for the staff.
I promise, that I'll work on making the posts long enough for anyone to bother read my threads, but I don't write to amuse others, I write to intertain my self, and go on the adventures that I'm never gonna be able to do.

[vartio]

Okay Tahu, you're my first profile review on the site. So I'm going to be up front with the flaws first, then bump you back up with some positives (and comments about how to improve) to offset rather than leave you on a sour note .

So off the bat, I found a few grammatical and spelling issues throughout your profile. I.E.: "happy soul who love to be around" should be loves, or "get replaced on a regular bacis". These are minor gripes, but ones I'd very much appreciate corrected in your profile before we get around to approving it as they build up into a bigger problem.

Now when we get to the profile itself, his personality reads more like his history, it feels like a majority of it goes over his history and how its affected his personality, rather than explaining his personality. What we want to look for is how he reacts to different stimuli, for example.

As for his history, I would like to know HOW his childhood was average. What was his social life and studies like as a student before his parents tragic accident? How was his studies affected? What was his relationship like with his parents? Also during the period before being placed in the orphanage but after the death of his parents, who or where did he stay? Why was he moved to an orphanage so far away, over the closer ones? If you wish to play the orphan angle, much like we do with the mentally ill, I'd like to be certain that your character is written tastefully and aware of the struggles and difficulties of being an orphan and living in an orphanage.

Another issue I've noticed is you also write about the past, in the present tense (IE: "His parents was dead"). This throws off the pacing of the writing entirely and makes it less pleasant to read, and is generally something we don't accept in the approval process.

Now for your Pokemon: your EXP gauge should read (X/Y), where X = the EXP for level 5, and Y = the EXP for level 6. Otherwise you got the EXP gained correctly (something many get wrong! Congratulations). Otherwise I suggest you recheck your grammar and spelling.

My final complaint is that Orion's story conflicts with its personality! If the caretakers were alert/alarmed that this Mareep had shocked one of their charges (pun unintended), why would they suddenly start letting them interact? Why would Orion return knowing a Disarming Voice Clefable was there to make its life miserable? It feels like there's a disconnect here.

I like that you've made a small supporting cast, but at the same time there's clear contradictions, like that there's three consistent caretaker pokemon, yet there seemingly isn't a consistent staff member in the orphanage that owns them with whom he could talk with. I like that you specified his parents identities, but there's no substance to their existance except to die. His history in school just disappears after his orphanage. Not only that, they keep him in the orphanage despite his right to leave at will, as he has passed mandatory schooling and has his trainer's license.

Overall I cannot approve your profile in its current state. The majority of the orphanage plot feels tacked on just to give a 'time skip' to fit his current age, and holds little true substance except to establish his personality.

[Tahu]

Okay! x3

I've fixed the grammatical errors that I could find + fixed the EXP gauge.
I've also taken some inspiration (from you) on how to set up Ray's personality, so it wouldn't be build so much on his history.
Also I've added a best friend Marcus, a character that will properbly show up later on Ray's journey, but for now, this enabled me to talk more about Ray's childhood and the reason for him to end up on Oakridge, in the other end of the region.

About his parents... I've always had a hard time descriping my characters parents. This might come from the fact that I remember rather little about my own relationship with my parents, from before I was removed from my home, at the age of 9.
But I am aware that there isn't eally anything that describs Ray's relationshib with either of his parents, despite how I've managed to descripe their relationship with eachother...

And for the caretakers and how I haven't descriped any of them...
The reason that I've done so, is the same as for the kids at Oakridge. They'd all leave at some point, so instead of seing the persons, over time just saw... people. People that were there, some longer than others, but at some point, they'd all leave.
I did try to put Mary's friend in, I even gave her the name Susan, but I couldn't come up with a reason go into details with her, cause like all the others, she too would leave.
This is also a thing that I've tried on my own body.
I might not be an orphan, but I have lived in various institutions, with regular replacement of staff and residents.

Lastly I've also added a nearby hideout that I did have in mind, where Ray and Orion could meet, so Orion wouldn't have to come to close to the orphanage, but still be relatively nearby.

I am aware of what you said about my orphan angel, about how it should be tactfull, so it wouldn't offend other potential orphans.
It is in no way my intent to offend other, but I've just fallen in live with this background story, and I'd love to stick with it.
And if anyone does feel offended, they are more than welcome to write to me.

[vartio]

So Tahu, I'm going to be blunt again here.

First off, Raymond's parents. There's no focus on their relationship with Raymond, yet more focus on who they are and what they did. This leaves a disconnect, because we want to know what they did with Raymond that shaped his personality (as you've stated them), what events shaped him.

Once more, please check for spelling and grammatical errors. Alongside this, please work on the consistency of the tense. Most of your history should be written to a past-tense, but at some points you use the words in the wrong fashion. Some sentences are badly posed, such as "So, he started to run off, when the caretakers were busy with the other kids, but they always caught up to him." Finally: some of your sentences run on, and could be trimmed down or split off into seperate sentences. General rule of thumb is you should be able to speak out a whole sentence without feeling winded.

While you have expanded his childhood, explaining how he ended up at the orphanage, you also lost bits of good character development. The interactions with Mareep (which, by the way, you don't also have its name or its nickname listed now) have disappeared.

Although I didn't mention this last time, why would two trainers, who have probably been instructed in detail about the laws, be using their Pokemon in a battle right next to a highway? These are monsters whose very actions can cause Earthquakes, floods, and the sort, and I imagine that there's laws in place that people should keep their combats in organized locations (IE: Gyms, Battle Arenas), or away from Roads in general to prevent accidents just like this. It's this scene here which again brings up the point that it feels like you included his parents just to die.

Why were these two trainers battling so close to the road? This event as you originally writ it, occurs outside of a city. And at that specific time, a Rhyhorn happened to get confused and use takedown on their vehicle. The timing of this event is extraordinary. I am not saying it's impossible, but you're speaking about a series of events all occuring in the same area, at the same time. These events are also including one party intentionally ignoring the law (and we apologize for not bringing this up, but I had to confirm in detail) in the process. That's why these events feel so contrived.

Following this, we go back to the orphanage and the question I asked before: "Why was he moved to an orphanage so far away, over the closer ones?" Godai is mostly based on a variation of America, due to the founders mostly being from there. In that essence, we can assume that the system focuses North, West, South, East, and Central Godai as "States". Normally, when a child is orphaned (as in their parents die in this case), they are normally put up for foster care. Foster care is managed on a "State" level. As the mother of Marcus is not his legal guardian, she would have little to no say in how his life is managed. Replacing foster care with orphanages, it is far more likely than not that Godai would simply have him put in an orphanage in his own 'state' of Godai to help with keeping the system organized.

This in itself ignores the question of "Why was this orphanage holding him against his will", of course. As I have explained before, according to Godai law, he has the legal authority to move out on his own, obtain a Pokemon (whether in the wild or from a lab), and adventure. He can obtain funds through the TIS to sustain his lifestyle, too.

I understand you barely remember your parents, but that isn't important here: what is important to us is we understand all the stimuli that shaped your character's personality, and you've left us with more questions this time around than answers, and not in a good way that builds up a sense of mystery.

While I fully understand your desire to keep to this backstory, you can do better at writing it, and I do expect the best from you.

[Tahu]

Okay Mister Rat, give me your best! xP

I've taken a new approach to the story, while stil keeping the core elements.
With a little help from a friend, we've come up with a background story for Greg and Jannet and through that been able to describe their relationship to each other, and their son, which gave even more personality to Ray.
After that, I've rewritten the Oakridge bit with another angle, without dropping the main thought.

So, let me hear what you think :3

[vartio]

Tahu, I apologize for taking so long to get back to you on this.

While your storytelling has improved, you still have punctuation issues related to grammar throughout the profile, and some minor word decisions. I.E.:

"Over time, he started to sneak away from these picnics, whenever he saw an opening." In this case, the , and part after 'picnics' could have been added without the excessive comma. Such as:

Could be "Whenever he saw an opening, he started sneaking away from the picnics" (example).

Also, it is a minor gripe, but please avoid using slang (such as " 'cause "). It throws off the pacing and at times make your sentences more confusing, as seen in "He couldn't contact Marcus either, 'cause the caretaker meant that it would distract him from the reason of him being there... the processing of his grief and anger."

Finally, we once more get to the major problem:

Why is he being held at an orphanage when he has the full legal rights to travel as a trainer and make a living using the TIS? Why are they holding him against his will, disputably kidnapping him?

While I understand your desire to keep the orphanage plot, you must learn how to cope with it to answer that question. If you cannot answer that question in a sufficient manner, then I cannot approve your profile even if you've cleaned up the grammatical issues enough that I can let any other grammatical issues slide. At some point, yes, you imply it was because he was throwing temper tantrums, but that doesn't explain why he was in an orphanage to start when he is, for all purposes, of an age he can legally go out and live on his own with his Pokemon. There's kids younger than him who make a living through the TIS (See: godairegion.proboards.com/post/17/thread ; and referenced in the same topic with: "There was a brief upward slope in participation in the TIS, but after a while people ended up dropping out. Getting paid for training was nice, but being hounded for information wasn't worth it to a lot of people, so pokemon training quickly fell back to being a hobby rather than a profession").

I hope you can answer and resolve most of these issues soon ^_^. I will say I can think of ways you can make this work in your favor, but you need to consider things from a new angle rather than the one you are now, so it is entirely possible! (And no, won't be making that suggestion to you, I trust you can figure a solution yourself).

[Tahu]

Okay, here we go again! x3

I've changed the plot, dropped the orphanage, and focussing more on Ray and his parents, mainly his father....
Surely there is something wrong, so let me know xD

[vartio]

Alright Tahu. Here comes another round.

First and foremost, I asked you in the Cbox to triple check again for grammar issues, and the sort. I want you to understand that Godai is, first and foremost, a site to improve your writing. It simply proses this in the form of a Pokemon Roleplay. If your grammatical and other errors are high enough, we will not be approving your profile.

The fact is, right out of the gate there's a word-choice error: "Due to Jeannette's continually love of adventure, they would often take trips in the weekends and holidays, where they went to see various parts of the Godai, and even a few trips to Beliae".

In this case, continually should be "continual". I'm again, suggesting you go back, triple read everything. I understand English isn't your first language, but I'm afraid that doesn't really hold weight here.

The largest issue I've found is continuity base: Lycanroc did not exist in the country of Godai 2 (in-universe) years ago. This is one of the larger mistakes.

Now Tahu, I want you to know that there's a reason we're so tight with you on the grammar front (and word choice): these errors WILL affect you in a negative light upon actual topic evaluations. This will, in turn, slow down your EXP gain, Dian gain, etc. We want you to get use to putting in that 130% to overcome these problems as best as you can, to be able to find and correct these errors on your own.

I fully believe that you can do this. You're smart and devoted to this site, even knowing the wall ahead of you due to your language barrier. I am sure that once you pass this, you'll be able to write amazing stories ^_^.

Yet again, we cannot approve this, mostly this time as I noticed the Lycanroc and timeline issue.

[Tahu]

Okay, last try before Christmas... x3

I've changed the Lycanroc to a Manectric, and tried to look at the grammar.
I've consulted with Word, Gdoc, and Grammarly, plus reading through it twice. So at this point, I don't know what I can do, to fix more unspecific sentences or grammatical errors xD

So... give me your best, and let's look at it xD

[vartio]

So Tahu. Once more I am here to give you the problems throughout your profile. This time it comes to again, you overextending your sentences pointlessly mostly, and to a different level, odd sentence structure that comes off awkward.

Here is an example from early in your profile:

Jeannette was mostly alone with Ray, while he was little, because Greg was off to work, which included long hours, while most of her work could be done from home. She preferred to work from home, where she could be with Ray as much as possible since she missed her own family back in Beliae. This established a stronger bond for Ray to his mother than to his father.
Due to Jeannette’s continual love of adventure, they would often take trips in the weekends and holidays. There they went to see various parts of the Godai and even a few trips to Beliae. There Ray met his mother’s family, which was new to him since he had met none of his father’s relatives.

First but minor issue: double space. In short, the above without edits should look like this:

Jeannette was mostly alone with Ray, while he was little, because Greg was off to work, which included long hours, while most of her work could be done from home. She preferred to work from home, where she could be with Ray as much as possible since she missed her own family back in Beliae. This established a stronger bond for Ray to his mother than to his father.

Due to Jeannette’s continual love of adventure, they would often take trips in the weekends and holidays. There they went to see various parts of the Godai and even a few trips to Beliae. There Ray met his mother’s family, which was new to him since he had met none of his father’s relatives.

---

Next off, let's get into the actual sentence length and structure issues. We'll start with the first sentence here, which is broken off into 5 total thoughts.

1 - Jeannette was mostly alone with Ray
2 - while he was little
3 - because Greg was off to work
4 - which included long hours
5 - while most of her work could be done from home

In reality, part of this is ill positioned. When written normally it would come out more to:

"When Ray was little, he was raised mostly by his mother, Jeannette. His father, Greg, worked long hours [specify his job and what he does here]. Thankfully her job in [business] could be done mostly from home, which worked well for the couple."

This breaks down to at most 3 parts. It also phrases the sentences to be easier to read.

As I've said before: No sentence should feel like it drags on. It should end roughly within one breath, using commas as but the shortest breaks, and a period being a good half second or so break. All the content in a sentence should be related to the start of a sentence. IE: You start with "Jeanette was mostly alone with Ray", then go into separately mentioning 'while he was little'. This alone could have been broken down into a no comma part, IE: "When Raymond was little, his mother Jeannette spent the most time raising him."

There's a lot of small nuances to the English language. I remember Chaos himself referring that you be careful about using too many commas. You are getting close. Remember, there are such things as pacing. Try speaking out everything you write (IN ENGLISH...) and see if it flows well. If you feel you're forcing yourself to maintain a steady pace, or finding it hard to breathe, then consider your sentences may be dragging on.

[Tahu]

Okay, let's try it again x3

I've tried looking at the grammar, the spelling and the commas.
Furthermore, I've dropped killing of the parents, since their death was kind of meaningless, after dropping the orphanage.
Besides, the death of his parents, made Ray a little more depressed than I'd like for him to be x3

So come at me, Ratigan! x3
Give me your best! xP

[Tahu]

Three weeks later, here we go again xP

I've looked over all the major text parts and consulted with ProWritingAid, to get as much as I could.
I haven’t changed anything story wise, since the last time I did it, three weeks ago xP

But, let me hear your feedback :3