Raymond "Ray" Taylor Wion

[vartio]

Hello Tahu. So this time you've cleaned up most of your issues, all that's left are minor ones, but consider this approval as good as a 1/2. A 2/2 however is usually a stricter review to begin with, so they'll decide if these issues I mention bug them as much as they do me.

1. The random mention of his grandparents on his father's side felt... random?

2. You have a few random ellipsis (AKA a " ... " ). These are meant to be an omission from speech or writing of a word or words that are superfluous or able to be understood from contextual clues (I stole this off google). Sometimes, they're meant to establish a larger than normal pause of time, but it should mostly be used for the purpose above.

3. Your paragraph spacing is odd. Sometimes going from single line, to double space (what I'm doing in this post is 'double space', by the way). Some of this paragraph spacing is entirely useless, as some paragraphs could be fused altogether. I'll again leave this to you.

Overall, congrats on your 1/2.

[Tahu]

1. The mentioning of the grandparents was elaborated in Gregs story, that you had me remove xD
Apart from that, it speaks to Rays family relations.

2. I've looked at it quickly, and removed those I could find.

3. I took a closer look at these and removed most of them.

But apart form that, THANKS!

[chaosonex]

I'm second, now its serious!

I want to see more personality. Part of the problem with using a list is that you end up confining the character more than if you just described it. Especially for a character on godai, a personality should be made up of more than 6 traits.

[Tahu]

Let's give this another shot xP

I've tried another approach of Rays personality and some minor editions in his story, clothing and general appearance.

[chaosonex]

I want to see another paragraph about the same size for personality, and I think you'll be great! Almost there, you can do it!

How does he handle dissapointment? Does he have a preference in Pokemon? Consider things like that.

[Tahu]

Okay Mr. Chaos, shall we try again?

I've looked into the pointers you gave me in your post and in the cbox, and I've tried to incorporate them.
Most of it is in the personality, but some of it made more sense in the history.
Let me know what you think x3

[chaosonex]

so close tahu! I don't really need more, I just need you to fix your personality so it is more of a coherent line. Also, you say he is kind, but if you can, maybe explain what the cutoff is for his anger? Someone who gets into fights and has a short temper isn't usually what I'd call kind.

[Tahu]

Okay, I've looked at it, but I'm not really sure what to do to make it more coherent.
Though I have edited a little more to explain that he really is a kind kid, but being withheld from his dream for all that time has made him resentful.
Besides those fights was never about throwing punches or chairs, it's more about yelling at his father and talk back to others like teachers.

[chaosonex]

"In the meantime he loves it when he gets the opportunity to pet one of the local pokémon, both the wild ones and those owned by others.

This frustration has made him temperamental and withdrawn."

These sentences make no sense next to each other.

[Tahu]

Okay, I've tried rephrasing it x3

I'm just afraid that I will not make him as angry as you expect, and will complain over how he will be after he runs away opposite to how he is while he is home and feels captured.

[Tahu]

After our chat in the cbox, I've tried to take a whole new approach to the personality.
I know that it's shorter than before, but I hope that it's more coherent than before.

Once again, I'd like to apologize to you and Vartio for being such a pain in the neck x3
My frustration is with myself more than it is with you guys.

[chaosonex]

Your Character has been Accepted!


This thread will now be locked.